GROWING OLDER GRACEFULLY- OR NOT: SOME THOUGHTS

Many months ago, I attended a men's group of sorts, and the facilitator of that group asked the participants to rate themselves on a scale of 1-10 (one being the lowest and ten being the highest) of how they felt they were living life as the man they want to be. He said that the criteria, rationale, characteristics and requirements of how each participant would be left up to the participant, but wanted each group member to share what that statement meant to them, as well as how they would rate themselves. I thought about some of the values that I hold in high esteem: loyalty, integrity, honesty, being a good friend, intelligence, humor, compassion and empathy, as well as some of the values that I hold in low esteem: arrogance, self-righteous indignation, dishonesty, manipulation, control, gossiping, and whining. I considered practical things that were important to me: where I was living, my job, how I was doing in school, the quality of my relationships with friends and family, how well I was taking care of myself (self-care), and how I was showing up for others, whether I liked them or not. At the time, I gave myself about a 3-- the facilitator thought I was being really hard on myself- and I do hold myself to ridiculously high standards sometimes (but I am a recovered addict, and it's a common quality that many of us share, whether we want to (or are conscious of) or not-- but at the time, I was flying through one of those turbulent thunderstorms that are part of the game of life-- and that's just where I was at. Through experience, however, I had learned that the only thing that I know for sure about life is things change, and sure enough, things have changed. Today if I had to rate myself on the same scale, I would give myself a 9 or 9.5 (because there is always room for improvement-- we are either growing forward or growing backward, but never stay in the same place for very long). Its not like anything on the outside has really changed all that much-- I'm looking for a job, school is school, I love where I live, my friends, my family and the opportunities to experience miracles on an everyday basis-- but something inside of me has changed. I think it has something to do without getting older, and embracing my age, experience, wisdom, and passion, and being okay with being a 47-year-old gay therapist/writer/spiritual seeker. I shared my relief about not having to be either a horny 26 year-old, or an aging 39-year-old male (for the eight year in a row) at a 12-step meeting the other day, and the room laughed in acknowledgment. For many years now, I have been fretting because I have survived most of my generation, and certainly the generation that preceded me (who were victims of the mass genocide of the AIDS epidemic in the eighties and early nineties), and have complained that there were no role models, no one to mirror what it looked like to act like an age appropriate 40-something gay man. There was no one to lead the way from the life of circuit parties, internet hook-ups, fleeting romances (and/or taking hostages), and relationships that began when we were in our 20s and 30s disintegrating, not because we didn't love each other anymore, but because we had grown apart, and it was time to let each other go. But over the past few months, I have come to realize that I am that person, and to choose the lead the way by example. My body and libido might be slowing doing a little bit, but my intuition, intelligence and capacity to give and to receive love are blossoming, expanding on a daily basis. I have always been acutely aware of the chapters of my life: growing up "different" in the suburbs of Washington DC during the turbulent '60s and '70s, perfecting the art of being fabulous in New York City during the '80s, running on fast forward as a tweaker in the '90s (while trying "to be somebody" in the entertainment and gay media)" and finding out who I was (by virtue who I was not) during my training and work experiences as a psychotherapist in the past ten years). I've been in the corridor between chapters for a while, living "in the meantime" as writer Iyanla Vanzant calls it, but now I am confident I am at the genesis of my next chapter-- growing older gracefully, and embracing a life of deepening intimacy, loving without necessarily being sexual, and providing a space for other men of my generation to be able to do the same. How this will evolve and materialize, I have no idea, but I am committed to live by example, to share my experiences, and to listen to yours. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and to trudge this path with me. Welcome to the new millennium. K